Oof it’s been a while since I’ve been here. I’d say I’m sorry and express some shame, but the reason I won’t do either is a large part of the ‘why’ behind my absence.
First: you bet I’m still working on the novel, though I’m doing so at a much slower rate than I had wanted to admit out loud. Most of the time that’s on me, but some of the time it just is how it currently is, y’know?
Second: the virtual school I work at has spun up the last month or so and we have some new leadership, so things have been more, uh, hectic than expected. New boss seems alright, to be honest, though I’m having trouble shaking some of the adjacent toxicity. Was that vague enough? Gosh, I hope so.
Third: I’ve been on a bit of a journey. My wife and I started a 75 Hard program that has some pretty strict exercise and diet rules and we just cleared Day 50 of it. This program has also had be focusing inwards, devoting slices of time to self-help/improvement books (currently reading through Dialed In and The Five Marks of a Man) Before those two, I was reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. Like most non-fiction books, they have shining moments and dull.
Fourth: I’ve also just completed my first month of seeing a therapist to help me with some of my anger issues. Let me tell you: WOW does that kind of thing make a difference. And, not to brag, but I feel like I have an unfair advantage as I have an amazingly supportive wife who takes any progress I make and somehow accelerates it even more. You rock my socks, CLM.
Ok…so with that off my chest, the reason I’m not apologetic or ashamed isn’t because I have a good excuse; it’s because I’m not sorry and I’m not ashamed!
That might not seem like a big deal to you (and sorry for presuming here), but to me?
HUGE.
I have a notorious habit of not letting myself off of the hook for anything. I would apologize profusely for things that weren’t only not my fault, but not even something I had direct control over. And my sense of shame? Have you seen the series Loki by any chance? Alioth from season one best embodies the amount of power and sheer space it took up in me.
One of the variants of Loki even describes Alioth in way that also describes my sense of shame:
It’s a living tempest that consumes matter and energy.
Luckily, I have an amazing support system in my wife and a well plotted map forward from my therapist, so I’m finding myself with a lot more energy and drive to show up in real life and in real time. I’ve started journaling also, which has helped me in ways I never understood I needed to be helped. It’s like, if you have ever heard the phrase “the cutting room floor”, you might know how journaling has been for me
Put simply: the cutting room floor used to be a room where film would be edited frame by frame, organized and spread out on a large expanse of floor. This allowed the director to ‘zoom out’ and see it all in order to decide what to keep and what to, well…cut. This zooming out is what journaling seems to be doing for me
Zooming back in to this blog, I’ve been gone for a good reason (not that I feel like I have to have a reason) and now I hope to be back more regularly. I hope you’ll join me.
Best,
Bryce
OffOfMadison 
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